The Quotable Class of 2005

That's right... it's time for another hundred quotes. You people are just too funny... I can't stop writing. Here are quotes #101-200. They are incredible. Good luck topping these with the third hundred.

1. "DOWN WITH CAUCASIANS!" -Branden

2. "I beat up Jake Spilman! I'm beast!" -Lucy

3. "He'd better be a liar. He's writing me a college recommendation." -Taylor, on Mr. Gardner

4. "In Saw, if you had to like help an old lady across the street or die a horrible death, you'd die a horrible death." -Taylor, to Ben

5. "Let me guess the first thing he's going to say... 'that was ridiculous.'" -Taylor, letting Ben into the room
"Okay... that was RIDICULOUS." -Ben

6. "If you don't wanna do this, that's fine. But if you keep Evans from doing it... I am going to kick you in the crotch." -Mr. Cochran, to Taylor, on his calculus problems

7. "I am richer than the majority of the people in this room!" -Alex

8. "No one is my equal... in fight power." -Alex

9. "It talks about three things: equal treatment, treating people equally, and giving the same treatment to people of different faiths." -Mr. Deane

10. "The Soviet Union was AWFUL." -Joel
"Maybe to YOU, Joel. Maybe to YOU!" -Guthrie

11. "Sorry... I just had a bad experience with the death penalty this weekend." -Ben

12. "IQ tests are B.S." -Mr. Deane, silencing a minute-long rant from Alex about his own high IQ

13. "Remember when Evans used to talk all the time? Now he like never says anything." -Alex, interrupting... me

14. "Everyone loves Tennyson... if they have ANY sense at ALL..." -Taylor
"Actually, I prefer Browning." -Mr. Hickerson
"Oh." -Taylor

15. "Put me on the frickin' Supreme Court! I'll interpret everything for you!" -Ben

16. "Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I sat on Mark Washington..." -Tim

17. "Who is this idiot that wrote the Daily Progress? I'm going to kill them." -Ben

18. "Who knows their Latin?" -Mr. Cochran
"Me! Where's Sarah?" -Ben

19. "Who is Herman Melville? That's not what I named my kid!" -Tim

20. "You're... thirty percent gay." -Taylor
"You're 150% fat." -Ben

21. "Is this okay Coch?" -Tim, abbreviating "Cochran"
"Haven't you always wanted to do that?" -Taylor

22. "Could we at least have Scattergories?" -Taylor, as he's locked out of the room

23. "If I jumped off a cliff, would you?" -Taylor
"NO!" -Ben
"He'd push you." -Tim

24. "It sucks to be executed." -Alex

25. "Lydia wants separate but equal! She's racist!" -Ben

26. "No one in this class is of color except for myself." -Alex

27. "Quoth the raven, 'nevermore.' Quoth Taylor, 'you are a ho.'" -Taylor

28. "Are we finding that we need a character list to keep track of his book?" -Mr. Hickerson
"No!" -Taylor
"Oh. Well I do." -Mr. Hickerson
"To each his own." -Taylor

29. "The new hit joint from Tennyson drops this month! It's IN MEMORIAM, yo!" -Taylor

30. "That's blatantly racist, I love it." -Ben

31. "Oh, I hate the ACLU. They're one of those groups that needs to be blown up." -Joel

32. "I'm like a foot taller than you." -Mr. Cochran, to Tim

33. "I don't know what that was, but it was INTENSE." -Ben, on a jellybean

34. "I like sticking it to the man." -Alex

35. "It's an edo. That's 'ode' backwards!" -Taylor, to Mr. Hickerson

36. "I'll do NAFTA, I'll just go bananas." -Ben, on his foreign policy project

37. "Can we hear from our double-X chromosome delegation?" -Mr. Deane
"Who's that?" -Ben
"The males!" -Alex

38. "That teacher looks kind of like you. Only... more... greasy." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran

39. "Man, my tongue hurts so bad. I need some kind of delicious salve." -Ben

40. "While he's having his extravagant funeral, I'm gonna throw a huge party on the other side of town." -Taylor, on Ben's death

41. "Evans, you're so tall! Cut your feet off!" -Ben

42. "Cochran, I gotta go to the water fountain. The Virginia Blood Services SUCK." -Tim

43. "Make the connection between bubbles and turtles, and then we'll make the connection between bubbles and cities." -Mr. Cochran

44. "I was trying to make it aerodynamic. Sorry." -Ben, explaining his folded-up calc test

45. "Wait, this isn't golf-calculus? I thought I had a new course record!" -Taylor, whose calc test was marked "-30"

46. "Zach, you tripled my score, I hate you." -Ben, on his calc test

47. "I got a B, you SLUT!" -Tim, to me, on his calc test

48. "I'm gonna like die of exhaustion, 'cause I'm so hot." -Ben

49. "EVANS! You Saudi Arabian crackwhore!" -Tim

50. "When I was a little kid, I used to go into every store thinking about how I could rob it." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran

51. "Just because I break the laws of physics does not make me any less of a person. I'm just extraordinary." -Tim

52. "Sir Isaac Newton's got nothin' on Tim Longo." -Paul

53. "I'm a demigod. I should write a Constitution." -Tim

54. "It's Easter Sunday, and you want me to publish the word 'anally.'" -Ms. Vandever, to Taylor

55. "What conic section is this?" -Mr. Cochran, hoping for the answer "ellipse"
"Hyperbole." -Joel

56. "That's my good side." -Taylor, on a picture of his crotch

57. "What is this?" -Mr. Cochran, holding up two sheets of paper
"My briefs." -Taylor, referring to his legal briefs for his Supreme Court project

58. "So remember that. Old tests can be hazardous to your health." -Ms. Cunningham
"New tests can too." -Me

59. "If I were Moses, I would have flown." Ben, referring to the parting of the Red Sea
"But you can't be Moses, because Moses wasn't gay." -Taylor

60. "That made no sense." -Me
"Your mom made no sense last night, but I fixed her. YES." -Ben
"Why are you yessing? That made no sense either." -Me
"Did you just say 'why are you yessing?'" -Guthrie

61. "We'll handle all 'I'm not gonna be here tomorrow' issues later." -Ms. Cunningham
"Ms. Cunningham, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow." -Guthrie
"Wow... you're graduating in, what, three weeks?" -Ms. Cunningham
"Actually... it's seven." -Paul

62. "In 1989, in Sweden, if your income surpassed forty-six thousand dollars..." -Mr. Deane
"They killed you." -Tim

63. "If both of your parents made $40, 000 a year, then your family could make up to $110,000 a year." -Mr. Deane, explaining income taxes

64. "I've heard that there's a vast right-wing racist conspiracy afoot in the Charlottesville area." -Mr. Deane
"There's a meeting tonight at my house by the way. Joel's gonna bake brownies, it's gonna be awesome." -Tim

65. "Cute boxers, but let's find a real seat." -Mr. Hickerson, to Colin Bertram

66. "Which author is known as the author of Ivanhoe?" -Mr. Cochran
"MOTHERFUCKER!" -Guthrie
"What?" -Mr. Cochran

67. "I couldn't remember who wrote Ivanhoe, so I just wrote 'Guthrie has the clap.'" -Taylor

68. "Could you repeat the question please?" -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
"GOD, YOU ARE SO FAT!" -Ben

69. "That is one good-looking muffin you have there, Mr. Cochran." -Taylor

70. "I am going to hit you over the head." -Ben, to Taylor
"Why, what did he say?" -Me
"Nothing, he was just being gay. I mean, fat." -Ben

71. "I wanna be pope just so I can wear the hat." -Jesse

72. "If there was a perfume that smelled like National Geographic, I would be so turned on." -Taylor

73. "Cochran needs to work on his extrapolation skills." -Taylor
"I'll extrapolate you." -Ben
"Don't even get me started about how I extrapolated your mom." -Taylor

74. "I have recently discovered the joys of apathy." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
"Recently?" -Me

75. "Look at this ridiculous balloon! Isn't this a ridiculous balloon? It is a ridiculous balloon!" -Ben
"It's a 'sogging sausage.'" -Guthrie
"It is really struggling!" -Ben

76. "I'm gonna go shoot myself, I'll be right back..." -Me
"Ummm..." -Ben
"Oh. Right." -Me

77. "Do I even have a textbook?" -Ben, on government class

78. "If I was Bill Gates, all I would do is play poker." -Ben

79. "If you had forty billion dollars, you'd become the next Mike Tyson." -Joel, to Ben

80. "This pepper is retarded!" -Ben

81. "Wow, we have eighty quotes already." -Me
"Virginia Tech has an endowment?" -Ben
"Wow, okay... eighty-one." -Me

82. "When I'm king, we'll take all the money out of welfare and put it in the space program." -Ben

83. "Rage against the machine, brothers!" -Mr. Deane

84. "What did you call your study parties in organic chemistry?" -Zach, to Ms. Cunningham (apologies if you don't get it, but trust me, it's funny)

85. "Block periods don't work. Studies have shown that after twenty minutes kids tune out and begin fantasizing." -Mr. Deane

86. "Why would you have faith in Jesus? That is so dumb." -Ben

87. "It's okay Ben, you're going to hell. I'm okay with that." -Taylor

88. "I am going to stab you in the bald spot." -Taylor, to Ben

89. "Does Austin have a Chinatown?" -Me
"It has a Mexico." -Tim

90. "You're inconscious of reality." -Taylor, to Guthrie

91. "I can't imagine that the Middle East is a very cool place to hang out." -Tim

92. "I bet at Taco Bell the bar codes are in Mexican." -Taylor

93. "Oh man, I got sour cream all over my crotch." -Taylor

94. "Everyone is my monkey." -Paul

95. "Guthrie, let me grope you!" -Ben

96. "What time is it?" -Brian
"I could tell you if I had my phone, but I don't." -Me
"It's in my pants." -Zach

97. "Poor Indians." -Lydia, upon tasting the mango chutney in her Indian food order

98. "Hey, where's my phone... oh wait, it's in MY pants now! HA!" -Me

99. "That's gross!" -Lydia
"Your mom!" -Zach (on Mother's Day no less)

100. "AAH, I BROKE MY HIP! THAT IS RIDICULOUS!" -Me, doing my best Ben impression and trying to imagine this quote sheet in sixty years