Sunday, May 08, 2005
The Quote Sheet - Redux
That's right... it's time for another hundred quotes. You people are just too funny... I can't stop writing. Here are quotes #101-200. They are incredible. Good luck topping these with the third hundred.
1. "DOWN WITH CAUCASIANS!" -Branden
2. "I beat up Jake Spilman! I'm beast!" -Lucy
3. "He'd better be a liar. He's writing me a college recommendation." -Taylor, on Mr. Gardner
4. "In Saw, if you had to like help an old lady across the street or die a horrible death, you'd die a horrible death." -Taylor, to Ben
5. "Let me guess the first thing he's going to say... 'that was ridiculous.'" -Taylor, letting Ben into the room
"Okay... that was RIDICULOUS." -Ben
6. "If you don't wanna do this, that's fine. But if you keep Evans from doing it... I am going to kick you in the crotch." -Mr. Cochran, to Taylor, on his calculus problems
7. "I am richer than the majority of the people in this room!" -Alex
8. "No one is my equal... in fight power." -Alex
9. "It talks about three things: equal treatment, treating people equally, and giving the same treatment to people of different faiths." -Mr. Deane
10. "The Soviet Union was AWFUL." -Joel
"Maybe to YOU, Joel. Maybe to YOU!" -Guthrie
11. "Sorry... I just had a bad experience with the death penalty this weekend." -Ben
12. "IQ tests are B.S." -Mr. Deane, silencing a minute-long rant from Alex about his own high IQ
13. "Remember when Evans used to talk all the time? Now he like never says anything." -Alex, interrupting... me
14. "Everyone loves Tennyson... if they have ANY sense at ALL..." -Taylor
"Actually, I prefer Browning." -Mr. Hickerson
"Oh." -Taylor
15. "Put me on the frickin' Supreme Court! I'll interpret everything for you!" -Ben
16. "Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I sat on Mark Washington..." -Tim
17. "Who is this idiot that wrote the Daily Progress? I'm going to kill them." -Ben
18. "Who knows their Latin?" -Mr. Cochran
"Me! Where's Sarah?" -Ben
19. "Who is Herman Melville? That's not what I named my kid!" -Tim
20. "You're... thirty percent gay." -Taylor
"You're 150% fat." -Ben
21. "Is this okay Coch?" -Tim, abbreviating "Cochran"
"Haven't you always wanted to do that?" -Taylor
22. "Could we at least have Scattergories?" -Taylor, as he's locked out of the room
23. "If I jumped off a cliff, would you?" -Taylor
"NO!" -Ben
"He'd push you." -Tim
24. "It sucks to be executed." -Alex
25. "Lydia wants separate but equal! She's racist!" -Ben
26. "No one in this class is of color except for myself." -Alex
27. "Quoth the raven, 'nevermore.' Quoth Taylor, 'you are a ho.'" -Taylor
28. "Are we finding that we need a character list to keep track of his book?" -Mr. Hickerson
"No!" -Taylor
"Oh. Well I do." -Mr. Hickerson
"To each his own." -Taylor
29. "The new hit joint from Tennyson drops this month! It's IN MEMORIAM, yo!" -Taylor
30. "That's blatantly racist, I love it." -Ben
31. "Oh, I hate the ACLU. They're one of those groups that needs to be blown up." -Joel
32. "I'm like a foot taller than you." -Mr. Cochran, to Tim
33. "I don't know what that was, but it was INTENSE." -Ben, on a jellybean
34. "I like sticking it to the man." -Alex
35. "It's an edo. That's 'ode' backwards!" -Taylor, to Mr. Hickerson
36. "I'll do NAFTA, I'll just go bananas." -Ben, on his foreign policy project
37. "Can we hear from our double-X chromosome delegation?" -Mr. Deane
"Who's that?" -Ben
"The males!" -Alex
38. "That teacher looks kind of like you. Only... more... greasy." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
39. "Man, my tongue hurts so bad. I need some kind of delicious salve." -Ben
40. "While he's having his extravagant funeral, I'm gonna throw a huge party on the other side of town." -Taylor, on Ben's death
41. "Evans, you're so tall! Cut your feet off!" -Ben
42. "Cochran, I gotta go to the water fountain. The Virginia Blood Services SUCK." -Tim
43. "Make the connection between bubbles and turtles, and then we'll make the connection between bubbles and cities." -Mr. Cochran
44. "I was trying to make it aerodynamic. Sorry." -Ben, explaining his folded-up calc test
45. "Wait, this isn't golf-calculus? I thought I had a new course record!" -Taylor, whose calc test was marked "-30"
46. "Zach, you tripled my score, I hate you." -Ben, on his calc test
47. "I got a B, you SLUT!" -Tim, to me, on his calc test
48. "I'm gonna like die of exhaustion, 'cause I'm so hot." -Ben
49. "EVANS! You Saudi Arabian crackwhore!" -Tim
50. "When I was a little kid, I used to go into every store thinking about how I could rob it." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
51. "Just because I break the laws of physics does not make me any less of a person. I'm just extraordinary." -Tim
52. "Sir Isaac Newton's got nothin' on Tim Longo." -Paul
53. "I'm a demigod. I should write a Constitution." -Tim
54. "It's Easter Sunday, and you want me to publish the word 'anally.'" -Ms. Vandever, to Taylor
55. "What conic section is this?" -Mr. Cochran, hoping for the answer "ellipse"
"Hyperbole." -Joel
56. "That's my good side." -Taylor, on a picture of his crotch
57. "What is this?" -Mr. Cochran, holding up two sheets of paper
"My briefs." -Taylor, referring to his legal briefs for his Supreme Court project
58. "So remember that. Old tests can be hazardous to your health." -Ms. Cunningham
"New tests can too." -Me
59. "If I were Moses, I would have flown." Ben, referring to the parting of the Red Sea
"But you can't be Moses, because Moses wasn't gay." -Taylor
60. "That made no sense." -Me
"Your mom made no sense last night, but I fixed her. YES." -Ben
"Why are you yessing? That made no sense either." -Me
"Did you just say 'why are you yessing?'" -Guthrie
61. "We'll handle all 'I'm not gonna be here tomorrow' issues later." -Ms. Cunningham
"Ms. Cunningham, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow." -Guthrie
"Wow... you're graduating in, what, three weeks?" -Ms. Cunningham
"Actually... it's seven." -Paul
62. "In 1989, in Sweden, if your income surpassed forty-six thousand dollars..." -Mr. Deane
"They killed you." -Tim
63. "If both of your parents made $40, 000 a year, then your family could make up to $110,000 a year." -Mr. Deane, explaining income taxes
64. "I've heard that there's a vast right-wing racist conspiracy afoot in the Charlottesville area." -Mr. Deane
"There's a meeting tonight at my house by the way. Joel's gonna bake brownies, it's gonna be awesome." -Tim
65. "Cute boxers, but let's find a real seat." -Mr. Hickerson, to Colin Bertram
66. "Which author is known as the author of Ivanhoe?" -Mr. Cochran
"MOTHERFUCKER!" -Guthrie
"What?" -Mr. Cochran
67. "I couldn't remember who wrote Ivanhoe, so I just wrote 'Guthrie has the clap.'" -Taylor
68. "Could you repeat the question please?" -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
"GOD, YOU ARE SO FAT!" -Ben
69. "That is one good-looking muffin you have there, Mr. Cochran." -Taylor
70. "I am going to hit you over the head." -Ben, to Taylor
"Why, what did he say?" -Me
"Nothing, he was just being gay. I mean, fat." -Ben
71. "I wanna be pope just so I can wear the hat." -Jesse
72. "If there was a perfume that smelled like National Geographic, I would be so turned on." -Taylor
73. "Cochran needs to work on his extrapolation skills." -Taylor
"I'll extrapolate you." -Ben
"Don't even get me started about how I extrapolated your mom." -Taylor
74. "I have recently discovered the joys of apathy." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
"Recently?" -Me
75. "Look at this ridiculous balloon! Isn't this a ridiculous balloon? It is a ridiculous balloon!" -Ben
"It's a 'sogging sausage.'" -Guthrie
"It is really struggling!" -Ben
76. "I'm gonna go shoot myself, I'll be right back..." -Me
"Ummm..." -Ben
"Oh. Right." -Me
77. "Do I even have a textbook?" -Ben, on government class
78. "If I was Bill Gates, all I would do is play poker." -Ben
79. "If you had forty billion dollars, you'd become the next Mike Tyson." -Joel, to Ben
80. "This pepper is retarded!" -Ben
81. "Wow, we have eighty quotes already." -Me
"Virginia Tech has an endowment?" -Ben
"Wow, okay... eighty-one." -Me
82. "When I'm king, we'll take all the money out of welfare and put it in the space program." -Ben
83. "Rage against the machine, brothers!" -Mr. Deane
84. "What did you call your study parties in organic chemistry?" -Zach, to Ms. Cunningham (apologies if you don't get it, but trust me, it's funny)
85. "Block periods don't work. Studies have shown that after twenty minutes kids tune out and begin fantasizing." -Mr. Deane
86. "Why would you have faith in Jesus? That is so dumb." -Ben
87. "It's okay Ben, you're going to hell. I'm okay with that." -Taylor
88. "I am going to stab you in the bald spot." -Taylor, to Ben
89. "Does Austin have a Chinatown?" -Me
"It has a Mexico." -Tim
90. "You're inconscious of reality." -Taylor, to Guthrie
91. "I can't imagine that the Middle East is a very cool place to hang out." -Tim
92. "I bet at Taco Bell the bar codes are in Mexican." -Taylor
93. "Oh man, I got sour cream all over my crotch." -Taylor
94. "Everyone is my monkey." -Paul
95. "Guthrie, let me grope you!" -Ben
96. "What time is it?" -Brian
"I could tell you if I had my phone, but I don't." -Me
"It's in my pants." -Zach
97. "Poor Indians." -Lydia, upon tasting the mango chutney in her Indian food order
98. "Hey, where's my phone... oh wait, it's in MY pants now! HA!" -Me
99. "That's gross!" -Lydia
"Your mom!" -Zach (on Mother's Day no less)
100. "AAH, I BROKE MY HIP! THAT IS RIDICULOUS!" -Me, doing my best Ben impression and trying to imagine this quote sheet in sixty years
1. "DOWN WITH CAUCASIANS!" -Branden
2. "I beat up Jake Spilman! I'm beast!" -Lucy
3. "He'd better be a liar. He's writing me a college recommendation." -Taylor, on Mr. Gardner
4. "In Saw, if you had to like help an old lady across the street or die a horrible death, you'd die a horrible death." -Taylor, to Ben
5. "Let me guess the first thing he's going to say... 'that was ridiculous.'" -Taylor, letting Ben into the room
"Okay... that was RIDICULOUS." -Ben
6. "If you don't wanna do this, that's fine. But if you keep Evans from doing it... I am going to kick you in the crotch." -Mr. Cochran, to Taylor, on his calculus problems
7. "I am richer than the majority of the people in this room!" -Alex
8. "No one is my equal... in fight power." -Alex
9. "It talks about three things: equal treatment, treating people equally, and giving the same treatment to people of different faiths." -Mr. Deane
10. "The Soviet Union was AWFUL." -Joel
"Maybe to YOU, Joel. Maybe to YOU!" -Guthrie
11. "Sorry... I just had a bad experience with the death penalty this weekend." -Ben
12. "IQ tests are B.S." -Mr. Deane, silencing a minute-long rant from Alex about his own high IQ
13. "Remember when Evans used to talk all the time? Now he like never says anything." -Alex, interrupting... me
14. "Everyone loves Tennyson... if they have ANY sense at ALL..." -Taylor
"Actually, I prefer Browning." -Mr. Hickerson
"Oh." -Taylor
15. "Put me on the frickin' Supreme Court! I'll interpret everything for you!" -Ben
16. "Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I sat on Mark Washington..." -Tim
17. "Who is this idiot that wrote the Daily Progress? I'm going to kill them." -Ben
18. "Who knows their Latin?" -Mr. Cochran
"Me! Where's Sarah?" -Ben
19. "Who is Herman Melville? That's not what I named my kid!" -Tim
20. "You're... thirty percent gay." -Taylor
"You're 150% fat." -Ben
21. "Is this okay Coch?" -Tim, abbreviating "Cochran"
"Haven't you always wanted to do that?" -Taylor
22. "Could we at least have Scattergories?" -Taylor, as he's locked out of the room
23. "If I jumped off a cliff, would you?" -Taylor
"NO!" -Ben
"He'd push you." -Tim
24. "It sucks to be executed." -Alex
25. "Lydia wants separate but equal! She's racist!" -Ben
26. "No one in this class is of color except for myself." -Alex
27. "Quoth the raven, 'nevermore.' Quoth Taylor, 'you are a ho.'" -Taylor
28. "Are we finding that we need a character list to keep track of his book?" -Mr. Hickerson
"No!" -Taylor
"Oh. Well I do." -Mr. Hickerson
"To each his own." -Taylor
29. "The new hit joint from Tennyson drops this month! It's IN MEMORIAM, yo!" -Taylor
30. "That's blatantly racist, I love it." -Ben
31. "Oh, I hate the ACLU. They're one of those groups that needs to be blown up." -Joel
32. "I'm like a foot taller than you." -Mr. Cochran, to Tim
33. "I don't know what that was, but it was INTENSE." -Ben, on a jellybean
34. "I like sticking it to the man." -Alex
35. "It's an edo. That's 'ode' backwards!" -Taylor, to Mr. Hickerson
36. "I'll do NAFTA, I'll just go bananas." -Ben, on his foreign policy project
37. "Can we hear from our double-X chromosome delegation?" -Mr. Deane
"Who's that?" -Ben
"The males!" -Alex
38. "That teacher looks kind of like you. Only... more... greasy." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
39. "Man, my tongue hurts so bad. I need some kind of delicious salve." -Ben
40. "While he's having his extravagant funeral, I'm gonna throw a huge party on the other side of town." -Taylor, on Ben's death
41. "Evans, you're so tall! Cut your feet off!" -Ben
42. "Cochran, I gotta go to the water fountain. The Virginia Blood Services SUCK." -Tim
43. "Make the connection between bubbles and turtles, and then we'll make the connection between bubbles and cities." -Mr. Cochran
44. "I was trying to make it aerodynamic. Sorry." -Ben, explaining his folded-up calc test
45. "Wait, this isn't golf-calculus? I thought I had a new course record!" -Taylor, whose calc test was marked "-30"
46. "Zach, you tripled my score, I hate you." -Ben, on his calc test
47. "I got a B, you SLUT!" -Tim, to me, on his calc test
48. "I'm gonna like die of exhaustion, 'cause I'm so hot." -Ben
49. "EVANS! You Saudi Arabian crackwhore!" -Tim
50. "When I was a little kid, I used to go into every store thinking about how I could rob it." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
51. "Just because I break the laws of physics does not make me any less of a person. I'm just extraordinary." -Tim
52. "Sir Isaac Newton's got nothin' on Tim Longo." -Paul
53. "I'm a demigod. I should write a Constitution." -Tim
54. "It's Easter Sunday, and you want me to publish the word 'anally.'" -Ms. Vandever, to Taylor
55. "What conic section is this?" -Mr. Cochran, hoping for the answer "ellipse"
"Hyperbole." -Joel
56. "That's my good side." -Taylor, on a picture of his crotch
57. "What is this?" -Mr. Cochran, holding up two sheets of paper
"My briefs." -Taylor, referring to his legal briefs for his Supreme Court project
58. "So remember that. Old tests can be hazardous to your health." -Ms. Cunningham
"New tests can too." -Me
59. "If I were Moses, I would have flown." Ben, referring to the parting of the Red Sea
"But you can't be Moses, because Moses wasn't gay." -Taylor
60. "That made no sense." -Me
"Your mom made no sense last night, but I fixed her. YES." -Ben
"Why are you yessing? That made no sense either." -Me
"Did you just say 'why are you yessing?'" -Guthrie
61. "We'll handle all 'I'm not gonna be here tomorrow' issues later." -Ms. Cunningham
"Ms. Cunningham, I'm not gonna be here tomorrow." -Guthrie
"Wow... you're graduating in, what, three weeks?" -Ms. Cunningham
"Actually... it's seven." -Paul
62. "In 1989, in Sweden, if your income surpassed forty-six thousand dollars..." -Mr. Deane
"They killed you." -Tim
63. "If both of your parents made $40, 000 a year, then your family could make up to $110,000 a year." -Mr. Deane, explaining income taxes
64. "I've heard that there's a vast right-wing racist conspiracy afoot in the Charlottesville area." -Mr. Deane
"There's a meeting tonight at my house by the way. Joel's gonna bake brownies, it's gonna be awesome." -Tim
65. "Cute boxers, but let's find a real seat." -Mr. Hickerson, to Colin Bertram
66. "Which author is known as the author of Ivanhoe?" -Mr. Cochran
"MOTHERFUCKER!" -Guthrie
"What?" -Mr. Cochran
67. "I couldn't remember who wrote Ivanhoe, so I just wrote 'Guthrie has the clap.'" -Taylor
68. "Could you repeat the question please?" -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
"GOD, YOU ARE SO FAT!" -Ben
69. "That is one good-looking muffin you have there, Mr. Cochran." -Taylor
70. "I am going to hit you over the head." -Ben, to Taylor
"Why, what did he say?" -Me
"Nothing, he was just being gay. I mean, fat." -Ben
71. "I wanna be pope just so I can wear the hat." -Jesse
72. "If there was a perfume that smelled like National Geographic, I would be so turned on." -Taylor
73. "Cochran needs to work on his extrapolation skills." -Taylor
"I'll extrapolate you." -Ben
"Don't even get me started about how I extrapolated your mom." -Taylor
74. "I have recently discovered the joys of apathy." -Taylor, to Mr. Cochran
"Recently?" -Me
75. "Look at this ridiculous balloon! Isn't this a ridiculous balloon? It is a ridiculous balloon!" -Ben
"It's a 'sogging sausage.'" -Guthrie
"It is really struggling!" -Ben
76. "I'm gonna go shoot myself, I'll be right back..." -Me
"Ummm..." -Ben
"Oh. Right." -Me
77. "Do I even have a textbook?" -Ben, on government class
78. "If I was Bill Gates, all I would do is play poker." -Ben
79. "If you had forty billion dollars, you'd become the next Mike Tyson." -Joel, to Ben
80. "This pepper is retarded!" -Ben
81. "Wow, we have eighty quotes already." -Me
"Virginia Tech has an endowment?" -Ben
"Wow, okay... eighty-one." -Me
82. "When I'm king, we'll take all the money out of welfare and put it in the space program." -Ben
83. "Rage against the machine, brothers!" -Mr. Deane
84. "What did you call your study parties in organic chemistry?" -Zach, to Ms. Cunningham (apologies if you don't get it, but trust me, it's funny)
85. "Block periods don't work. Studies have shown that after twenty minutes kids tune out and begin fantasizing." -Mr. Deane
86. "Why would you have faith in Jesus? That is so dumb." -Ben
87. "It's okay Ben, you're going to hell. I'm okay with that." -Taylor
88. "I am going to stab you in the bald spot." -Taylor, to Ben
89. "Does Austin have a Chinatown?" -Me
"It has a Mexico." -Tim
90. "You're inconscious of reality." -Taylor, to Guthrie
91. "I can't imagine that the Middle East is a very cool place to hang out." -Tim
92. "I bet at Taco Bell the bar codes are in Mexican." -Taylor
93. "Oh man, I got sour cream all over my crotch." -Taylor
94. "Everyone is my monkey." -Paul
95. "Guthrie, let me grope you!" -Ben
96. "What time is it?" -Brian
"I could tell you if I had my phone, but I don't." -Me
"It's in my pants." -Zach
97. "Poor Indians." -Lydia, upon tasting the mango chutney in her Indian food order
98. "Hey, where's my phone... oh wait, it's in MY pants now! HA!" -Me
99. "That's gross!" -Lydia
"Your mom!" -Zach (on Mother's Day no less)
100. "AAH, I BROKE MY HIP! THAT IS RIDICULOUS!" -Me, doing my best Ben impression and trying to imagine this quote sheet in sixty years
Comments:
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Mr. Definitelynotkeepinghisweightatahealthylevel has some interesting insights. I commend him for them.
Cort, I am going to mortgage your house and foreclose on it. Shut your mouth.
My top ten are in order from first to tenth as follows...
66. "Which author is known as the author of Ivanhoe?" -Mr. Cochran
"MOTHERFUCKER!" -Guthrie
"What?" -Mr. Cochran
75. "Look at this ridiculous balloon! Isn't this a ridiculous balloon? It is a ridiculous balloon!" -Ben
"It's a 'sogging sausage.'" -Guthrie
"It is really struggling!" –Ben
79. "If you had forty billion dollars, you'd become the next Mike Tyson." -Joel, to Ben
6. "If you don't wanna do this, that's fine. But if you keep Evans from doing it... I am going to kick you in the crotch." -Mr. Cochran, to Taylor, on his calculus problems
100. "AAH, I BROKE MY HIP! THAT IS RIDICULOUS!" -Me, doing my best Ben impression and trying to imagine this quote sheet in sixty years
93. "Oh man, I got sour cream all over my crotch." –Taylor
39. "Man, my tongue hurts so bad. I need some kind of delicious salve." –Ben
49. "EVANS! You Saudi Arabian crackwhore!" -Tim
56. "That's my good side." -Taylor, on a picture of his crotch
33. "I don't know what that was, but it was INTENSE." -Ben, on a jellybean
And I leave you with this...
EvanWithAnS: wow, three of my top ten involve taylor's crotch
EvanWithAnS: that is SO wrong
durandal seven: maybe you're the gay one
My top ten are in order from first to tenth as follows...
66. "Which author is known as the author of Ivanhoe?" -Mr. Cochran
"MOTHERFUCKER!" -Guthrie
"What?" -Mr. Cochran
75. "Look at this ridiculous balloon! Isn't this a ridiculous balloon? It is a ridiculous balloon!" -Ben
"It's a 'sogging sausage.'" -Guthrie
"It is really struggling!" –Ben
79. "If you had forty billion dollars, you'd become the next Mike Tyson." -Joel, to Ben
6. "If you don't wanna do this, that's fine. But if you keep Evans from doing it... I am going to kick you in the crotch." -Mr. Cochran, to Taylor, on his calculus problems
100. "AAH, I BROKE MY HIP! THAT IS RIDICULOUS!" -Me, doing my best Ben impression and trying to imagine this quote sheet in sixty years
93. "Oh man, I got sour cream all over my crotch." –Taylor
39. "Man, my tongue hurts so bad. I need some kind of delicious salve." –Ben
49. "EVANS! You Saudi Arabian crackwhore!" -Tim
56. "That's my good side." -Taylor, on a picture of his crotch
33. "I don't know what that was, but it was INTENSE." -Ben, on a jellybean
And I leave you with this...
EvanWithAnS: wow, three of my top ten involve taylor's crotch
EvanWithAnS: that is SO wrong
durandal seven: maybe you're the gay one
The comment was removed by ITS author, not by the blog's author.
I have no clue who wrote a comment, but it sure wasn't me.
Oh snap, Pilkington v. Clinchy just got thrown out of court. What a shame.
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I have no clue who wrote a comment, but it sure wasn't me.
Oh snap, Pilkington v. Clinchy just got thrown out of court. What a shame.
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